


"(till) i'm nothin' but memories,"

by zacefronspants (orphan_account)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Multi, he's grieving, just a really long hug, rafael needs a huge ass hug, this is just sad, with hints of more sad on top of more sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 06:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12743136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/zacefronspants
Summary: Rafael cries until he can’t help but make soft and slow whimpers, cries until exhaustion crawls its way into his bones and settles on him like a second skin.





	"(till) i'm nothin' but memories,"

**Author's Note:**

> this came from a personal place; i'm still mourning my grandmother and i hate how the show doesnt touch on rafael losing his grandmother so i dumped this out

It’s late, the sky is orange and pink and it makes his chest ache in the worst of ways; the subtle seeping of dread into his bones while he’s walking home from the subway, the bitter taste of smoke settling on his tongue, the shaking in his fingers and the stinging in his eyes when he understands what today is. What’s been a long time coming, what he’s shoved away into a filing cabinet in the very back of his brain. Rafael knew what today was when he woke up and kissed Sonny good morning and took his cup of coffee out of Olivia’s fingers and promised not to stay so late tonight. He knew and it’s still hitting him harder than he’d have thought possible.

He makes it home on autopilot, the familiar row-houses and apartment buildings lulling softly in the background as he makes the usual walk home, Rafael can feel the bite of warm air gushing into his nose and cheeks when he unlocks his door, can smell the familiar vanilla and harsh cinnamon undertones when he sets his keys on the end table and lethargically sets his briefcase down and pulls his coat off his shoulders.

“You alright there, Raf?” Rafael hears Olivia ask, but it’s muffled under the roaring in his ears. He sees her before he feels her hands cupping his cheeks, thumbs rubbing gentle circles against his face. “Yeah, yes, of course. You worry too much,” is his soft reply.

Rafael leans in and kisses her, slow and long, grounding himself before he pulls away and smiles at her. “I’m alright, just lost in my head. I’ll be back soon,” he promises her, lifting his hand and soothing her furrowed eyebrows. Olivia takes it, reluctantly, but she takes it and lets him pull away from her and wander into the living room, dropping a quick kiss to Noah’s forehead and passes until he finds himself sitting on the edge of their bed. Rafael drops his hands, letting them dangle between his open thighs and lets himself _feel_ for the first time in over a year. He lets tears fall and willfully ignores the burning in his throat and leans his head back and blinks at the ceiling. Rafael lets out a soft sob and presses a fist to his mouth, sobbing silently and hoping Olivia hadn’t heard him. He raises his other hand to knuckle at his eyes and will himself to stop crying.

Rafael cries until he can’t help but make soft and slow whimpers, cries until exhaustion crawls its way into his bones and settles on him like a second skin. Rafael shrugs his suit jacket off and undoes his tie and tosses it onto the floor, promising to pick up later while he finishes undressing himself and sliding underneath cold sheets.

He drifts off for a while, the soft sound of his abuela humming in his ear and the feeling is gentle fingers running through his hair until it morphed into his mother clutching him and whispering that it wasn’t his fault, he was trying to do right by her. It’s pitch black when he feels someone slid in behind him and fingers sliding up his chest to link through his own and squeeze, gentle caresses of, “You missed dinner, are you okay, button?” And Rafael knows it’s Sonny, fresh tears springing to his eyes when he turns around and presses his nose to Sonny’s dress shirt. “I miss her,” Rafael confesses softly, fingers curling into Sonny’s shirt. Sonny presses soft kisses into his hair and murmurs that Olivia’s just outside in the living room, that he’ll go grab her. But Rafael shakes his head and says, “My grandmother, bug. I miss her, it’s been two years,”

“Oh, Rafael,” is all Sonny can manage before he pulls back and calls for Olivia and suddenly Rafael feels crowded; feels closed in, wants to run away and leave. But then, Olivia walks in, sleep shirt wrinkled and her hair messy from having not bothered to brush it and he feels better. Sonny moves to the other end of the bed, coaxing Rafael to move with him and let Olivia crawl in behind them.

Rafael lets himself be coddled, lets Olivia mold herself to his back and press kisses onto the back of his neck, lets Sonny murmur soft kind words into his hair for a while.

“I didn’t even realize it had been so long until I left the office,” Rafael says after what feels like hours. “Didn’t even notice it, really, this morning when I left.” He’s crying again, knows he is from the way he’s leaving wet gusts of air on Olivia’s shirt. Olivia doesn’t give him fake condolences of quiet, “It’ll be okay,” because they both know it will be. Sonny doesn’t murmur how sorry his into his hair, just clutches him tighter and links their hands together.

They stay awake for a long time, Olivia and Sonny letting Rafael tell them his favorite stories about his abuela and growing up, letting him talk about the ugly parts of their relationship, the beautiful parts until Rafael is slurring his words and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, smushed between the two of them, he feels lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me on tumblr @togxpi


End file.
